WhatsApp Anxiety: Mute or Leave?
Hey Jude,
My name’s Pat. I’m 34, I live in Bristol, and I work in Insurance. Our office is pretty big and mostly male. I’d say around 70% men, 30% women. I’m also the only Black woman on the team.
Last week, I was added to a WhatsApp group called the ‘Girlie Gang’. It’s made up of 11 of the women in the office and now me. I didn’t ask to be added, it just happened.
The chat itself? It’s constant. Mostly light gossip about our male colleagues. Some of it is harmless, and even funny at times. But there’s a tone to it I’m not sure about. A few days ago, someone posted a comment about what one of the guys was wearing. Again, not malicious, but still... we’re using company phones, and it doesn’t feel like the place for this.
What’s bothering me most, though, is how it makes me feel. As the only Black woman, I’m hyper-aware of how quickly a group chat like this could cross a line. Right now, it’s all about the men – but I’m waiting for the day it shifts. A comment about hair. Skin. Something that’s no longer “funny banter”.
I’ve muted the group. I try not to engage. But last week one of the women called me out for not joining in. Made a joke about me being “quiet in the gang”. I laughed it off. But honestly? I don’t want to be in it. I don’t want to be rude either, or make things awkward.
Do I say something? Remove myself? Play along?
Would love your advice.
Sincerely,
A not-so-chatty Patty
Hi Pat,
Thanks for your message.
WhatsApp groups are the bane of many people’s lives. It is annoying enough to be added to another group chat with friends, but when it is colleagues it gets much harder to navigate.
It makes perfect sense that you are feeling uncomfortable, especially as the only Black woman in the group. Many people from underrepresented backgrounds know what it is like to sit there and wait for the first inappropriate comment to land. That constant vigilance wears you down. It can cause anxiety and, over time, affect how you show up at work.
So here is my honest advice:
Leave. The. Group. Today.
Beyond how it is making you feel, here are four clear reasons why stepping away is the right move:
1. The chat is inappropriate
Gossip about colleagues, especially comments about their appearance, rarely ends well. Even if it seems like harmless banter, it can cross into bullying or harassment. Imagine if it were men discussing women’s looks. That tone does not sit well.
2. It is distracting and invasive
Messages during work hours, in meetings and even at home? That is not okay. You did not ask to be in this group, yet now it demands your attention at all hours. It blurs the line between personal and professional life. You deserve separation.
3. It does not serve you
You are not getting anything out of it. You are not laughing, bonding or feeling included. Drama and gossip are energy drains. You deserve conversations that uplift and connect—not ones that unsettle you.
4. It could put you at risk
Your work phone is company owned. In the UK, colleagues can submit a Subject Access Request under GDPR to access messages about them. WhatsApp chats are admissible in tribunals and are increasingly pivotal in cases. One example? A group chat from The Independent reported just last month revealed that WhatsApp evidence appeared in more than 562 tribunal cases by 2024, often involving harassment, dismissal or discrimination
There are also high‑profile cases like the 2025 tribunal in Scotland involving a “Banter” WhatsApp group which led to dismissals with the court stressing that these chats are not private
WhatsApp evidence appeared in more than 562 tribunal cases by 2024 - https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2024/11/25/how-your-work-whatsapp-group-can-get-you-sacked/
So how do you leave without creating tension?
You have muted the group, but that is not enough. Here are three ways to exit:
1. Say goodbye and go
Send a brief message:
“Hey everyone . I’m leaving this chat to focus during work hours. Message me directly if you need anything. Thanks.”
Then leave and move on.
2. Suggest a shift to professional tools
Propose moving casual chats to something more monitored, like Slack or Teams spaces where professional tone matters and oversight exists.
3. Reference company policy
Try this line:
“Hi all . Just checked with HR and they advised avoiding personal chats on work devices. So I’ll be leaving this group now to stay on the safe side.”
It shows you are following rules, not judging anyone.
Will this change how people see you? Maybe. But it will show that you know your boundaries. That you respect yourself, your work, and your team. Work relationships matter. You do not need best friends at work but you deserve to feel safe, professional and valued.
Relationships matter. You can be friendly and present without engaging in culture that doesn’t serve you.
Jude
Additional Reading
What is SAR: https://ico.org.uk/for-organisations/uk-gdpr-guidance-and-resources/individual-rights/right-of-access/how-do-we-recognise-a-subject-access-request-sar/