Ally or a lie - a performative boss, does it matter?
Hey Jude
I do not think my boss is a genuine ally. Does that matter?
I am a Black woman working as an architect at a medium sized firm in Manchester. My manager is a white man. Our relationship is ok. That is it. Just ok.
Something tells me he does not want to see me progress and thrive. It is a feeling but it is strong.
I work in a sector that is mostly male and white. I have had to fight to be noticed. I have always pushed for women to be heard and for minorities to have opportunities. I have created safe spaces and invited guests to educate the team. I do all of this on top of my day job, which I know I excel at.
My manager has never shut down my ideas. But I have never felt he is interested in being an inclusive leader. After the Black Lives Matter movement gained momentum in the UK, I hosted events for Black women in our industry. My firm funded them and was supportive. He attended but never acknowledged my involvement. He has done all the mandatory training. His behaviour towards me makes it feel like a tick box exercise. It’s performative.
Recently, while organising an International Women’s Day event, I heard him say to a colleague, “I did not think we cared about that stuff any more.”
That confirmed it for me. He is not an ally. Not for women. Not for Black women.
I worry his stance on equality is holding me back. If my manager is not an ally, does it matter? If it does, how do I make him a genuine one?
Kayla
Hi Kayla
Ally or a lie. That is the question that often crosses the minds of many in marginalised groups when assessing managers or peers. Your instinct matters. You have seen patterns and heard comments. You are not imagining it (a theme of the last few Editions).
Two points to keep in mind:
“Men are more likely than women to say workplace DEI has gone too far. Forty three per cent of men versus twenty nine per cent of women.”
(Ipsos, 2024)
“In white majority countries, three quarters of employees say their organisation’s racial equity policies are not genuine.”
(Catalyst, 2022)
It does matter if your boss is not an ally. Managers influence your access to fair feedback, visible projects, promotions and networks. In fact, 70% of people say their manager affects their mental health more than their therapist or doctor (Workforce Institute, 2023). I'll be honest with you. From experience, you cannot make someone into a genuine ally if they do not want to be. Your job is not to change him. Your job is to protect your progress and find the right support.
Here’s how:
Protect your energy
Do not burn yourself out trying to win him over. Focus on the work that grows your skills, your profile, and your results.
Excel and show it
Deliver clear wins and make them visible. Share a short monthly update to him and his manager: three lines on your wins, impact and next move.
Build power elsewhere
Secure a senior sponsor in another area of the business. In the UK, sponsored women are 53 % more likely to feel satisfied with their career advancement, and minority employees are 65 % more likely. That support can open doors your boss will not.
Challenge process, not motive
Keep it neutral but firm. Ask: “What is the process for allocating client pitches?” or “What would I need to demonstrate to lead a project of that size?” This keeps the focus on fairness, not personality.
Use the system
Log the International Women’s Day remark with HR if safe. Ask how leaders will show visible support for inclusion activity and how that will be measured.
Find your allies
Work with ERGs that focus on women and Black professionals. Outside of work, join spaces like The BOP where you can connect with mentors and peers who have been exactly where you are and know how to navigate it.
Keep your options open
Update your CV, portfolio and references. Take external conversations when they come. You deserve to work where leadership not only says the right things, but acts on them.
Real allies show up when it matters. Until you find them, keep showing up for yourself. In the meantime there is The BOP .
Thanks and good luck Kayla.
Jude
Learn more
Ipsos (2024) – UK attitudes to workplace DEI – 43% of men vs 29% of women say DEI has gone too far; 64% support inclusivity training
https://www.ipsos.com/en-uk/ipsos-poll-finds-widespread-support-key-workplace-dei-initiatives-men-are-more-likely-women-say-deiCatalyst (2022) – Words Are Not Enough – 75% of employees in white-majority countries say racial equity policies are not genuine
https://www.catalyst.org/reports/words-arent-enough/The Memo: What Women of Color Need to Know to Secure a Seat at the Table – Minda Harts
https://www.mindaharts.com/thememo